Over time, I came to realize that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, in fact didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. That's a harsh reality, and sometimes it catches me off guard even on my best days. We developed a friendship, that slowly, dramtically and tumultiously grew into a romantic relationship. I'm not kidding when I say all of those things. In fact, our relationship wasn't produced organically and out of pure love, it was created on the premise of anger, and jealousy and hatred, and well...wanting things you just can't have. I should have known from the very beginning but girls are girls, and we talk to ourselves, and we talk ourselves into relationships we know won't last, because well, we think they just might. They meaning the men...they might change, they might have had a bad realtionship, but no worries, ours will be good, they might think they don't want to get married, but I'll change their thinking, they think they don't want kids, but I'll change that too....women...we can't change men, pretty much like how men can't change us.
I lied to myself since the day I met this guy thinking "I don't care if I ever get married again, I don't care if I have children"....I'm not alone, and if you say I am well, you haven't met enough women. I'll never forget the first converstation he and I had over babies, marriage, pretty much any sort of commitment, and he had told me he didn't want to be responsible for any other human. Youch. Now, me, being sort of fresh out of my divorce didn't mind the marriage part. Marriage, I thought at the time was over rated anyway. Kids, well, I never was (at the age of 25) sure of kids...I wasn't. It's not that I don't/didn't like kids, I just wasn't sure when I wanted them and where they would fit into my life both financially and just realistcially. Fast forward to 2 years ago, when my brother and his now wife announced they were pregnant. Boy, I was excited. I couldn't wait to see what this little baby would do to our whole entire family. I just cooed and ooohed my little heart out looking clothes and toys, and then when my Nephew was born instant love. How is that even possible when that isn't even your own child? When you are in complete love with a baby who doesn't belong to you, but to your brother and his wife. Well, if you saw how my dad reacted to the baby, how my mom fell in love, how every one, even in my chaotic family came together with one love for one beautiful baby, well, you'd understand. My first intinct these days is to ask how my nephew is, if he says any new words....my first reaction when I get a new picture is a smile. I love him so.
I visited my family many times last summer, it was sorely important to me. But to my ex boyfriend, he was none to thrilled. In fact, when his own family with kids came he was the same. How could you not love a baby!? The realization came to me one day, when I tried talking marriage to him, and he didn't want to have that conversation. And it wasn't like he didn't want to cause he was busy studying or getting ready to go out, he NEVER wanted to have that conversation. Because I'd bring it up a few more times, and every time it would be shrugged off, or shewed away like it wasn't important. And it wasn't...not to him. One day I finally had enough and asked..."do you ever want to marry me, and are you even in love with me" to which he responded with silence. That in itself was enough. And from that moment on I knew what needed to happen. Although boy, is breaking up hard to do.
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