And then...

I will never forget the night that I last faced my fear with my ex boyfriend and spoke up. "Can we talk about our lives" I said....to which he responded he didn't want to right then cause he was hungry....

Well, truth be told, I was hungry too, and I didnt' wanna have this conversation, but I couldn't wait anymore.  And from then on we went on into the night for 3 hours discussing what brought us there to that point.  I was so beyond exhausted at that point that I could have either eaten a buger and fries and still felt hungry or pass out.  I did the former.  It's a hard thing, realizing that the person you wanted doesn't want you.  Not in the way you want them to, anyway.  It stings, it pisses you off, it makes you question everything.  What's strange tho, still at that point, I didn't break up with him, and he didn't break up with me.  We hung on.  For what, now looking back, almost a year later, I am not really sure of.  Friendship, familiarity, convienience?  I'm not sure, because there sure wasn't anything sexual or romantic going on from that night on, and even weeks before. 

Breaking up was still so hard, I'd find it on the tip of my tongue to say it and then I'd cringe at the thought of saying the words, once I'm there there is no going back, I don't go back and forth...I never have.  I'd find all the reasons to stay with him, even if it was for the mere fact to not hurt anyones feelings.  We had a Mexico trip, I'd tell myself, tough it out till after Mexico, but I knew how that would go, happy and wonderful and then come back to a life I was so incredibly unhappy with.  How do I explain again, that another realtionship failed, only this time I honestly didn't want it to, but I couldn't stay.

My girlfriends assured me I would be alright, that he, in fact would be alright too.  And literally 1 month later I broke up with him.  I...BROKE up with the guy who didn't want me...that makes complete and total...NO SENSE.... but that's how my life works sometimes.  Like I said, even on a fantastic day, it'll hit me that, I fought, cried, loved, tried, worried, planned, hoped...spent literally thousands of dollars...for this man, and for what, exactly? I don't know.  Have you ever heard that song..."I'd rather be alone, like I am tonight, then to settle for the kind of love that fades before the morning light", well I was there.  And quite honestly it was liberting leaving--once I did.  It took too long, and not until after I left did I realize I did what was best for both, even though it was so incredibly hard to do.  I lost a family.  I lost time.  But what I didn't lose, was self respect knowing that I didn't settle for someone who didn't want the same things as me.

And that's where I will stop talking about that part of my life.  Because honestly it is all over now.  I don't even live in the same town as him.  I got my cat back from him, and moved.  And that chapter in my life is completely over.  The only thing I miss from that relationship is his mothers cooking. 

Over time

Over time, I came to realize that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, in fact didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me.  That's a harsh reality, and sometimes it catches me off guard even on my best days.  We developed a friendship, that slowly, dramtically and tumultiously grew into a romantic relationship.  I'm not kidding when I say all of those things.  In fact, our relationship wasn't produced organically and out of pure love, it was created on the premise of anger, and jealousy and hatred, and well...wanting things you just can't have.  I should have known from the very beginning but girls are girls, and we talk to ourselves, and we talk ourselves into relationships we know won't last, because well, we think they just might.  They meaning the men...they might change, they might have had a bad realtionship, but no worries, ours will be good, they might think they don't want to get married, but I'll change their thinking, they think they don't want kids, but I'll change that too....women...we can't change men, pretty much like how men can't change us. 

I lied to myself since the day I met this guy thinking "I don't care if I ever get married again, I don't care if I have children"....I'm not alone, and if you say I am well, you haven't met enough women.  I'll never forget the first converstation he and I had over babies, marriage, pretty much any sort of commitment, and he had told me he didn't want to be responsible for any other human.  Youch.  Now, me, being sort of fresh out of my divorce didn't mind the marriage part.  Marriage, I thought at the time was over rated anyway.  Kids, well, I never was (at the age of 25) sure of kids...I wasn't.  It's not that I don't/didn't like kids, I just wasn't sure when I wanted them and where they would fit into my life both financially and just realistcially.  Fast forward to 2 years ago, when my brother and his now wife announced they were pregnant.  Boy, I was excited.  I couldn't wait to see what this little baby would do to our whole entire family.  I just cooed and ooohed my little heart out looking clothes and toys, and then when my Nephew was born instant love.  How is that even possible when that isn't even your own child?  When you are in complete love with a baby who doesn't belong to you, but to your brother and his wife.  Well, if you saw how my dad reacted to the baby, how my mom fell in love, how every one, even in my chaotic family came together with one love for one beautiful baby, well, you'd understand.  My first intinct these days is to ask how my nephew is, if he says any new words....my first reaction when I get a new picture is a smile.  I love him so. 

I visited my family many times last summer, it was sorely important to me.  But to my ex boyfriend, he was none to thrilled.  In fact, when his own family with kids came he was the same.  How could you not love a baby!?  The realization came to me one day, when I tried talking marriage to him, and he didn't want to have that conversation.  And it wasn't like he didn't want to cause he was busy studying or getting ready to go out, he NEVER wanted to have that conversation.  Because I'd bring it up a few more times, and every time it would be shrugged off, or shewed away like it wasn't important.  And it wasn't...not to him.  One day I finally had enough and asked..."do you ever want to marry me, and are you even in love with me" to which he responded with silence.  That in itself was enough.  And from that moment on I knew what needed to happen.  Although boy, is breaking up hard to do.

Let's just say.....

Lets just say I haven't had any sort of muse to write these days.  Sure, life has been crazy, and theres been lots to talk about, but honestly, I found myself doing other things, than just talking about myself....which to say the least, is a little strange. 

I tried to start writing in February again, only to find I didn't have much to say, or the will to write it.  But, a lot has happened in a year. My mom always did say, "Kerry, a lot can happen in a year." Funny how moms always seem to know what they are talking about even when you think they don't.  But, where do I start?  Do I honestly go back a summer ago, and tell you how I completely fell out of love with someone who I thought was my best friend?  I guess so, cause really it would just make sense.  If I tend to go back and forth and on and on, forgive me in advance, because here is my apology in advance.  I started blogging 5 years ago, and in such a rough time in my life, it honestly helped so much more than any therapy session, any drink, anything.  So, here it goes.....here we go...again....