In 30 days

A lot can change in 30 days. These days I sure am realizing a lot can change in an instant. That can either break you or make you and I'd like to think it's making me the strongest I've ever been. Back in June I did this thing called the Whole 30....You might have heard of it, but maybe not. Basically to the untrained eye, it looks like this "You can eat nothing you think sounds remotely good, or satisfying, for the next 30 days you'll hate your life". I can attest to that. When my friend had told me to check it out I was in a crossroads in my diet. I wanted to try paleo, but paleo has so many loopholes that I would just find myself not doing it at all. I was working out so hard at the gym, dieting almost to kill myself, and saw no results, not in my clothes, not on the scale, my face and skin was dry, and I was exhausted every day. When my friend told me to read the Whole 9 website, I did, and immediately panicked...."So NO alcohol?" Zero. Ummm...for a girl who lived with a wine maker and drank wine almost nightly if not pretty close, I was pretty much sure I'd fail at this. I asked Jer to join me, he was pretty skeptical too, he loves beer. We were almost convinced we'd fail in one day. Enter June 1, I remember waking up and weighing myself and taking measurements and setting a goal (even though you aren't really supposed to) to lose 20 pounds....I really wanted to see a different number on that scale, and I deserved to, I work hard at the gym!! The first day was easy I thought, although we didn't leave the apartment. That night we went to Chico to see my brother and told him of our strict eating we were following. I felt bad but I wanted to do this!! I never felt so angry as I did on the second day, when all my mind was telling me it wanted was frozen yogurt..."It's June 2nd" it said, I'm hot, and irritated and I want some sugar.....but I turned my sugar dragon down, and it felt so good. I could tell you every thing I ate on every single day, maybe one day when I do the whole 30 again, I'll do a daily post, but for now, I'll just attest, that it in fact did change my whole life. My skin has never looked so amazing, my clothes feel so good on me, I sleep like a baby and that exhaustion I had, I don't anymore. 5 months later and I think I've had about 3 glasses of wine. I don't drink beer anymore, and I don't miss the alcohol. I don't miss cream in my coffee and I don't miss cheese or bread. My whole relationship with food has changed. I really encourage anyone out there looking for a change in their life to try Whole 30. I even did it after a hard move, and during the summer when beer used to be delicious.

New Chapter

So, to clarify my title.  I have a dog! Crazy right?  I know. But I really love my dog so much.  We do lots of things together, and although this blog might be titled A Girl and her dog, it doesn't exactly mean I will be posting a bajillion explorations with Ruby.  Although it might happen from time to time. 

I moved today.  I moved away from Napa, and into Sacramento.  I moved.  Hardest move I've ever done.  Away from a life I built on my own, friends I made on my own, comfort, and all of those things.  And I won't lie, I cried... a lot tonight.  But it felt so good.  It's like I was purging everything out of my system, I was so angry months ago, then sad, then overwhelmed, then nervous and scared, and I never once cried.  I never let myself be emotional...because I kept telling myself that if I cried it meant I didn't like my OWN decisions.  But I know that's not true.  Ladies, even if there is just one lady reading this...don't let the world tell you that your feelings are wrong and your emotions are hormonal.  Don't settle for a life you think you have to live with because you don't want to disappoint anyone.  In the long run, you'll hate yourself for it.  I know, there will be hard times. There always is, that's not reason to leave.  I know that sometimes you just wanna run away, and that's okay to feel those things, but don't.  I don't pray much, I should....but I found myself talking out loud the other day...to what/who I'm not sure...maybe just to get it out of my head.  But don't forget about you while you are worried about everyone else.  Love yourself. 

Anyway, I moved, my life has changed so much in a year.  I hope you'll have fun following me in this next chapter in my life.

Kerry

And then...

I will never forget the night that I last faced my fear with my ex boyfriend and spoke up. "Can we talk about our lives" I said....to which he responded he didn't want to right then cause he was hungry....

Well, truth be told, I was hungry too, and I didnt' wanna have this conversation, but I couldn't wait anymore.  And from then on we went on into the night for 3 hours discussing what brought us there to that point.  I was so beyond exhausted at that point that I could have either eaten a buger and fries and still felt hungry or pass out.  I did the former.  It's a hard thing, realizing that the person you wanted doesn't want you.  Not in the way you want them to, anyway.  It stings, it pisses you off, it makes you question everything.  What's strange tho, still at that point, I didn't break up with him, and he didn't break up with me.  We hung on.  For what, now looking back, almost a year later, I am not really sure of.  Friendship, familiarity, convienience?  I'm not sure, because there sure wasn't anything sexual or romantic going on from that night on, and even weeks before. 

Breaking up was still so hard, I'd find it on the tip of my tongue to say it and then I'd cringe at the thought of saying the words, once I'm there there is no going back, I don't go back and forth...I never have.  I'd find all the reasons to stay with him, even if it was for the mere fact to not hurt anyones feelings.  We had a Mexico trip, I'd tell myself, tough it out till after Mexico, but I knew how that would go, happy and wonderful and then come back to a life I was so incredibly unhappy with.  How do I explain again, that another realtionship failed, only this time I honestly didn't want it to, but I couldn't stay.

My girlfriends assured me I would be alright, that he, in fact would be alright too.  And literally 1 month later I broke up with him.  I...BROKE up with the guy who didn't want me...that makes complete and total...NO SENSE.... but that's how my life works sometimes.  Like I said, even on a fantastic day, it'll hit me that, I fought, cried, loved, tried, worried, planned, hoped...spent literally thousands of dollars...for this man, and for what, exactly? I don't know.  Have you ever heard that song..."I'd rather be alone, like I am tonight, then to settle for the kind of love that fades before the morning light", well I was there.  And quite honestly it was liberting leaving--once I did.  It took too long, and not until after I left did I realize I did what was best for both, even though it was so incredibly hard to do.  I lost a family.  I lost time.  But what I didn't lose, was self respect knowing that I didn't settle for someone who didn't want the same things as me.

And that's where I will stop talking about that part of my life.  Because honestly it is all over now.  I don't even live in the same town as him.  I got my cat back from him, and moved.  And that chapter in my life is completely over.  The only thing I miss from that relationship is his mothers cooking. 

Over time

Over time, I came to realize that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, in fact didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me.  That's a harsh reality, and sometimes it catches me off guard even on my best days.  We developed a friendship, that slowly, dramtically and tumultiously grew into a romantic relationship.  I'm not kidding when I say all of those things.  In fact, our relationship wasn't produced organically and out of pure love, it was created on the premise of anger, and jealousy and hatred, and well...wanting things you just can't have.  I should have known from the very beginning but girls are girls, and we talk to ourselves, and we talk ourselves into relationships we know won't last, because well, we think they just might.  They meaning the men...they might change, they might have had a bad realtionship, but no worries, ours will be good, they might think they don't want to get married, but I'll change their thinking, they think they don't want kids, but I'll change that too....women...we can't change men, pretty much like how men can't change us. 

I lied to myself since the day I met this guy thinking "I don't care if I ever get married again, I don't care if I have children"....I'm not alone, and if you say I am well, you haven't met enough women.  I'll never forget the first converstation he and I had over babies, marriage, pretty much any sort of commitment, and he had told me he didn't want to be responsible for any other human.  Youch.  Now, me, being sort of fresh out of my divorce didn't mind the marriage part.  Marriage, I thought at the time was over rated anyway.  Kids, well, I never was (at the age of 25) sure of kids...I wasn't.  It's not that I don't/didn't like kids, I just wasn't sure when I wanted them and where they would fit into my life both financially and just realistcially.  Fast forward to 2 years ago, when my brother and his now wife announced they were pregnant.  Boy, I was excited.  I couldn't wait to see what this little baby would do to our whole entire family.  I just cooed and ooohed my little heart out looking clothes and toys, and then when my Nephew was born instant love.  How is that even possible when that isn't even your own child?  When you are in complete love with a baby who doesn't belong to you, but to your brother and his wife.  Well, if you saw how my dad reacted to the baby, how my mom fell in love, how every one, even in my chaotic family came together with one love for one beautiful baby, well, you'd understand.  My first intinct these days is to ask how my nephew is, if he says any new words....my first reaction when I get a new picture is a smile.  I love him so. 

I visited my family many times last summer, it was sorely important to me.  But to my ex boyfriend, he was none to thrilled.  In fact, when his own family with kids came he was the same.  How could you not love a baby!?  The realization came to me one day, when I tried talking marriage to him, and he didn't want to have that conversation.  And it wasn't like he didn't want to cause he was busy studying or getting ready to go out, he NEVER wanted to have that conversation.  Because I'd bring it up a few more times, and every time it would be shrugged off, or shewed away like it wasn't important.  And it wasn't...not to him.  One day I finally had enough and asked..."do you ever want to marry me, and are you even in love with me" to which he responded with silence.  That in itself was enough.  And from that moment on I knew what needed to happen.  Although boy, is breaking up hard to do.

Let's just say.....

Lets just say I haven't had any sort of muse to write these days.  Sure, life has been crazy, and theres been lots to talk about, but honestly, I found myself doing other things, than just talking about myself....which to say the least, is a little strange. 

I tried to start writing in February again, only to find I didn't have much to say, or the will to write it.  But, a lot has happened in a year. My mom always did say, "Kerry, a lot can happen in a year." Funny how moms always seem to know what they are talking about even when you think they don't.  But, where do I start?  Do I honestly go back a summer ago, and tell you how I completely fell out of love with someone who I thought was my best friend?  I guess so, cause really it would just make sense.  If I tend to go back and forth and on and on, forgive me in advance, because here is my apology in advance.  I started blogging 5 years ago, and in such a rough time in my life, it honestly helped so much more than any therapy session, any drink, anything.  So, here it goes.....here we go...again....