And then...

I will never forget the night that I last faced my fear with my ex boyfriend and spoke up. "Can we talk about our lives" I said....to which he responded he didn't want to right then cause he was hungry....

Well, truth be told, I was hungry too, and I didnt' wanna have this conversation, but I couldn't wait anymore.  And from then on we went on into the night for 3 hours discussing what brought us there to that point.  I was so beyond exhausted at that point that I could have either eaten a buger and fries and still felt hungry or pass out.  I did the former.  It's a hard thing, realizing that the person you wanted doesn't want you.  Not in the way you want them to, anyway.  It stings, it pisses you off, it makes you question everything.  What's strange tho, still at that point, I didn't break up with him, and he didn't break up with me.  We hung on.  For what, now looking back, almost a year later, I am not really sure of.  Friendship, familiarity, convienience?  I'm not sure, because there sure wasn't anything sexual or romantic going on from that night on, and even weeks before. 

Breaking up was still so hard, I'd find it on the tip of my tongue to say it and then I'd cringe at the thought of saying the words, once I'm there there is no going back, I don't go back and forth...I never have.  I'd find all the reasons to stay with him, even if it was for the mere fact to not hurt anyones feelings.  We had a Mexico trip, I'd tell myself, tough it out till after Mexico, but I knew how that would go, happy and wonderful and then come back to a life I was so incredibly unhappy with.  How do I explain again, that another realtionship failed, only this time I honestly didn't want it to, but I couldn't stay.

My girlfriends assured me I would be alright, that he, in fact would be alright too.  And literally 1 month later I broke up with him.  I...BROKE up with the guy who didn't want me...that makes complete and total...NO SENSE.... but that's how my life works sometimes.  Like I said, even on a fantastic day, it'll hit me that, I fought, cried, loved, tried, worried, planned, hoped...spent literally thousands of dollars...for this man, and for what, exactly? I don't know.  Have you ever heard that song..."I'd rather be alone, like I am tonight, then to settle for the kind of love that fades before the morning light", well I was there.  And quite honestly it was liberting leaving--once I did.  It took too long, and not until after I left did I realize I did what was best for both, even though it was so incredibly hard to do.  I lost a family.  I lost time.  But what I didn't lose, was self respect knowing that I didn't settle for someone who didn't want the same things as me.

And that's where I will stop talking about that part of my life.  Because honestly it is all over now.  I don't even live in the same town as him.  I got my cat back from him, and moved.  And that chapter in my life is completely over.  The only thing I miss from that relationship is his mothers cooking.